Buffet Sex with Marika Smith: Exploring Desire, Anger, and Self-Love - Part 2/3

In the second part of our interview with Marika Smith, we dive into questions about desire, self-love, and intimacy. Marika shares practical tips for strengthening the bond with our own bodies, managing everyday stress, and rediscovering desire – all on our own terms. How can menopause be a catalyst not only for change but also for deeper intimacy? Join us as Marika shows how we can turn frustration into strength, set clear boundaries, and create a more fulfilling life.

Did you miss the first part? Be sure to read it to gain a deeper understanding of the foundations of Buffet Sex and Marika's empowering views on sex, pleasure, and desire!

HAVE YOU NOT READ PART 1? START HERE!

Did you miss the first part of our inspiring interview with Marika Smith about Buffet Sex and how to explore desire and intimacy on your own terms? Read part 1 here! 

DESIRE AND INTIMACY DURING MENOPAUSE

How do you view desire and intimacy during menopause?
“Women are an incredibly diverse group, but what I often see is that their desire is not prioritized – neither in how sex is practiced nor in how it’s talked about,” explains Marika. “When people talk about arousal, they often base it on how men get aroused, and when something sexual is portrayed, it’s almost always through a male gaze. This has improved in many ways, but those of us who are adults today have grown up with the message that sex is for men. There is a very strong underlying idea that we women trade sex for love.”

“So, when we get tired of being accommodating, perhaps because we’ve reached an age where we care less about what others think, desire can unfortunately sometimes ‘go out with the bathwater.’ That’s a shame, of course, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Many who come to me with issues around desire are actually angry. They feel that the kind of desire they are being offered doesn’t suit them, and then they think, ‘Well, then I’ll just give up on it.’ This is especially common during menopause, as you no longer get that ‘free push’ from hormones that you had earlier in life.”

Marika highlights that this can actually be a positive thing.
“Not having that hormonal boost anymore can be a powerful metaphor for not putting up with just anything anymore. At this age, we’ve reached so many higher levels. We don’t accept the same salary as when we were 20, we buy better wine – and we want better sex! The problem is that many don’t understand that better sex is actually possible. Instead, they think they’ve lost their desire, but that’s not really what’s happened. The desire is dormant because what’s being offered simply isn’t good enough for us anymore. Menopause can be a time to redefine what we want and need, both in our sex lives and in life as a whole.”

Marika adds:
“And sometimes sex just has to be bad! Having a bad period is as normal as having a good one. Sexuality is a roller coaster that takes up different amounts of space in different phases and periods of life. During the early years of having young children, it’s often a low-intensity period, and then maybe it comes back again – it also depends on how you invite it in. If you feel, ‘How nice not to want sex – now I can finally skip it!’, well, then do that – it’s perfectly fine! It can also be liberating to maybe, for the first time in your life, say no, to say, ‘You know what – I’m just saying no!’ That’s also a way of taking control over this – but you don’t have to stay in a no. Maybe you say, ‘I won’t go along with this anymore; I can’t keep doing Friday-night peacekeeping sex anymore – it’s not working!’ And then, once you’ve settled into that, you might think, ‘Well, maybe I could consider masturbating or fantasizing a little…’ Then you can reinvent your desire on your own terms, but sometimes you just need to say stop. But it doesn’t have to be a lifelong decision – and you’re not betraying yourself if you start longing for sex or closeness again. You can also invent other ways to be close without intercourse. Many women think they have to have intercourse to cuddle afterward, but what if you didn’t need intercourse and could go straight to cuddling? Or what if the whole sexual experience could be all about you? Because it really can. Choose what you want to do.”

WHEN ANGER BECOMES A BARRIER – HOW CAN IT BE TRANSFORMED INTO A POSITIVE FORCE?

You might feel a little angry when talking about this, but how can that anger be managed so it doesn’t stand in the way of expressing your needs?

“It’s important to remember that your male partner doesn’t embody this entire approach to sex,” Marika explains. “He just happens to be there, and he’s just as much stuck in our shared ‘script’ as you are. It’s not that men are asking women to act a certain way – we’ve all learned together how sex ‘should’ work, and we just follow it. It’s about social norms and invisible rules that we unconsciously adapt to.”

Marika emphasizes that men also feel the pressure.
“Men are under enormous pressure to perform, especially as they get older and it becomes harder to maintain erections and stamina. Many worry about not getting erections as easily or losing part of their masculinity. We’re actually in the same boat. The difference is that men often find it harder to change, partly because their status and pride may be at stake. That’s why trying something new can feel extra scary. But this is exactly why it’s so important for you as a couple to make this change together.”

She stresses the importance of channeling anger constructively.
“This frustration can easily turn into bitterness that just leads to shutting down – and when that happens, desire often shuts down with it. But anger can also be a powerful driving force if directed properly. I call it ‘warm anger’ – the feeling of deciding not to accept things as they are anymore: ‘I’m not going to put up with this anymore. Things need to get better now!’ It’s not about pointing fingers at your partner and saying he needs to be better; it’s about both of you taking responsibility together to break free from old patterns and create something new.”

Marika argues that this can have positive effects on other areas of life too.
“Saying no to what you no longer accept can have a ripple effect. Maybe you realize you don’t want to keep working the way you do now, or that you need to set boundaries with your family. This anger, if managed correctly, can become a force that transforms your whole life. But it requires that you support each other and work in the same direction. It’s also important that you don’t end up alone with your frustration. Talk to your partner and your friends – but do it in a way that doesn’t just turn into venting.”

Finally, Marika reminds us that anger doesn’t have to be negative.
“If handled correctly, it can become a powerful tool for change and growth. It’s about turning the feeling from something that paralyzes you into something that drives you forward.”

HOW TO MAINTAIN DESIRE AND INTIMACY IN A STRESSFUL EVERYDAY LIFE

How can women manage stress and everyday responsibilities without losing their desire and intimacy?
"It’s easy to get caught up in all the everyday tasks, but often it’s actually possible to reprioritize and cut back on things," says Marika. "When I coach women, we often look together at what takes up time and energy. Many discover that there’s room to reprioritize, maybe by spending less time scrolling on their phones or pausing an activity that no longer feels meaningful. It’s about creating space for what makes you feel good – and that includes desire."

She points out that desire is not just about sex but also about feeling joy and curiosity in life.
"Sometimes you need to prioritize time for your own desire. Not all your time has to go to your children, work, or your relationship with a partner. It can be as simple as taking a warm bath and feeling that you own your body and can enjoy it. Many believe that if they feel desire, it must immediately be shared with their partner – but that’s a myth. Your desire is your own, and you don’t have to give it away just because your partner wants sex. It’s okay to nurture your desire on your own."

Marika emphasizes the importance of reflecting on your own values.
"Think about what’s truly important to you. If you value a sustainable relationship that lasts a lifetime, then you need to actively set aside time and energy to nurture your desire. If you want to be a good role model for your children, it might also mean prioritizing yourself – showing that your own pleasure and health are valuable."

She acknowledges that it can feel difficult at first.
"If you’re starting from zero, it can take energy you might not think you have – like finding a masturbation routine or understanding what buffet sex means. But it’s a small investment that pays off. You need to put some fuel in the tank to get desire going, but once it does, it gives back in the form of rest, energy, joy, and inspiration. It becomes a net gain, even if it doesn’t feel like that in the first few months. That’s why you need some patience and trust in the process."

Marika concludes by reminding us that desire needs a place in everyday life.
"Sometimes it’s about prioritizing the relationship over the everyday routine – but sometimes you also need to prioritize yourself over the relationship. Both are equally important for desire to flourish and remain alive."

DESIRE AND SELF-LOVE – HOW TO DEVELOP A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BODY

How can women strengthen their self-love and develop a positive relationship with their bodies?
"It’s hard to give a general answer since we all have different relationships with our bodies," says Marika. "Some may hate their body but still love that it has carried and given birth to children. Others might be proud that they can run a 10K without a problem, but still have negative thoughts about their appearance. We all carry different experiences and feelings, but something that benefits everyone is practicing how to feel their body from the inside."

She explains that it’s about shifting perspectives – stopping the focus on how the body looks or is perceived by others and instead feeling how it actually feels.
"It’s easy to get stuck in thoughts like ‘Am I taking up too much space?’ or ‘Do I smell bad?’ But when such thoughts arise, it’s important to actively turn your attention inward. For example, if you’re lying on your back and think, ‘Oh no, my breasts are falling to the side,’ pause and ask yourself: How do my breasts feel right now? Feel it instead of judging it."

Marika emphasizes that this is something that requires practice.
"It gets easier the more you practice. At first, you might need to remind yourself to shift your perspective from the outside to the inside. Instead of wondering how your labia look, feel how they feel. When a critical thought arises, whether it’s about your body or your genitals, turn inward and ask: How does this area feel right now? If it feels good, then it’s good!"

She concludes by stressing that this is the foundation for becoming friends with your body.
"There’s so much more to say about self-love and the body, but listening inward and letting go of how you think you should be – that’s the first and most important step."

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MARIKA SMITH’S 5 BEST TIPS FOR NURTURING AND AWAKENING DESIRE
Next week, Marika Smith reveals her 5 best tips for nurturing and awakening desire. Don’t miss the concluding part of our interview series 💕

DO YOU WANT TO CONTACT MARIKA?

🍑 On sexinspiration.se you can learn more about courses and personal coaching
🍑 Follow the account Sexinspiration on Instagram
🍑 Listen to the podcast Sex på riktigt – hosted by Marika Smith 

TAKE ADVANTAGE: 20% DISCOUNT ON MARIKA’S ONLINE COURSES

Until June 1, you automatically receive a 20% discount on all of Marika’s inspiring online courses. Valid for an unlimited number of courses! No code needed – the discount is applied directly at checkout. 🙌 Click here to take advantage of the offer.

Take care & Stay Pussytive ❤

/Fanny Falkman Grinndal
Business Manager Nordics
Peptonic Medical AB
fanny.falkman-grinndal@peptonicmedical.se