Buffet Sex with Marika Smith: A New Way to View Pleasure – Part 1/3
Marika Smith has dedicated over twenty years to broadening the perspective on sexual pleasure. In her groundbreaking book, "Buffet Sex – The New Way of Making Love That Changes EVERYTHING," she redefines what sex can mean and offers a perspective that goes beyond traditional intercourse. In this interview, Marika candidly shares her wisdom about sex, desire, and pleasure, providing unique insights that are both challenging and inspiring. Her engaging discussions in workshops and her popular podcast "Sex for Real" highlight the importance of discovering and enjoying pleasure on your own terms. Join a deep conversation that not only reveals the core of her philosophy but also provides practical advice to improve our relationships and personal lives. Get ready to see sex in a completely new way and discover why Marika’s work is a valuable source of inspiration ❤️
FROM SELLING SEX TOYS TO SEXUAL INSPIRATION
What led you to become a "sex inspirer"?
"I’ve been working as a sex inspirer for 22 years now. I actually invented this profession because I wanted to engage in inspiring, positive conversations about sex. I saw a great need and demand for this when I started as a sex toy salesperson," Marika explains. "I attended girls’ nights – kind of like Tupperware parties but for dildos. That was huge in the 2000s!" she laughs.
"I quickly became good at it and sold a lot – not because I’m a fantastic salesperson, but because women were so excited to talk about and learn more about sex and pleasure. I’m good at helping people relax about this topic, and it created a wonderful sense of community in the group. Pretty soon, I left the toys behind and started finding ways to focus solely on the conversations. And since then, I’ve done it in many different formats – it’s really become my thing. These days, I primarily work as a coach for individuals – both couples and singles – helping them untangle blocks around sex that aren’t strictly medical and focus on finding pleasure, desire, and connection."
BUFFET SEX – A NEW TAKE ON SEXUAL PLEASURE
Can you explain the concept of "Buffet Sex"?
"In 2017, reports showed that there are three male orgasms for every female orgasm in heterosexual relationships. This phenomenon was called the orgasm gap, and it raised questions: Are men lazy and selfish? Do women find it harder to orgasm? Or is it something else entirely?" Marika explains.
"I’m completely convinced that it’s neither laziness nor difficulty – it’s that our sex lives are governed by an unconscious script, an idea supported by science. It’s called the sexual script, and the theory is that we structure our sex lives based on how we’ve been taught sex ‘should’ happen."
"We carry an invisible script with us from countless sources – media, friends, school sex ed, movies, porn, and even the church. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s porn or the church; the message is often the same: that intercourse in heterosexual relationships is the ‘real’ sex, while everything else is just foreplay or something extra dirty on the side. Intercourse is the centerpiece, and we unconsciously follow this script throughout our lives."
"Regardless of sexual orientation, we are all influenced by this script. And this is what creates the orgasm gap, as women generally don’t achieve orgasm through intercourse in the same way men do. Men reach orgasm more often because we focus so much on penetration, creating an imbalance. To even things out, we need to broaden our view of what sex is. We need to stop calling things ‘foreplay’ and start seeing all sexual activities – oral sex, mutual touching, and so on – as real sex."
"I started holding workshops on oral sex where we practiced on fruit, and they became quite talked about," Marika laughs. "The idea was to show that this is sex in itself – not just a ‘warm-up’ for something else. And it became very popular! Many people participated and realized how limiting the sexual script can be."
"I often talk about what I call the ‘three-course f***,’" she continues. "The classic setup of foreplay, intercourse, and after-cuddles. But we don’t have to follow that order. You can mix and match, just like at a buffet. It’s about making sex more flexible and enjoyable."
"After working with so many clients and seeing how this mindset helped them, I realized that more people needed access to it. That’s why I created an online course, a podcast, and eventually the book Buffet Sex. The book helps readers rethink sex and provides practical exercises to break free from the traditional script. For those who prefer listening, the book is also available as an audiobook. I even developed a box with three decks of cards to help put the ideas into practice."
"The point of Buffet Sex is that everyone should feel empowered to choose how their sex life looks. It’s about breaking sex into smaller pieces and combining them however you want – without feeling tied to old patterns. Everyone understands this idea when I explain it, but it can be hard to communicate it to your partner and figure out how to do things differently in practice. That’s why the book and the card decks exist – to open up the conversation and start exploring together."
LEARN TO LISTEN TO YOUR BODY’S SIGNALS
How can women become better at understanding their desires and setting boundaries?
"It’s fundamentally about becoming more present in your body. This is something a lot of people talk about, but it’s something you simply can’t overlook," Marika says. "We live in a society that constantly rewards intellectual achievements. We rely heavily on our brains but often forget that our bodies also have important signals to give us – signals about what we need, what we want, and what feels good."
She explains that it’s impossible to think your way to knowing what you want or don’t want. The answer lies in the body. "You need to pay attention to how it feels when something is pleasant or unpleasant. If you don’t know what it feels like to enjoy something as simple as wearing your favorite sweater, how will you know what feels good in a sexual situation?"
To help women reconnect with their bodies, Marika recommends a "pleasure diet." "I ask almost every woman I work with to stop at least ten times a day and ask herself: What does my body want right now? Am I thirsty? Then drink. Are my feet cold? Put on socks. When I wake up in the morning and think about breakfast – am I eating the same thing out of habit, or would I actually prefer something else, like caviar instead of cheese?"
She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging your body’s signals, even if you can’t always act on them. "You might not have caviar at home, but admitting to yourself that you want it makes a big difference. Every time you listen to your body and respond to it, you build a sense of trust. And then your body will dare to express its desires in other situations."
This also applies to intimate situations. "The more you practice listening to your body in daily life, the easier it will be to tune into it during sex. Am I in the mood? Do I want to date this person? That’s what we call intuition – listening inward to the signals your body is sending."
With a laugh, Marika adds: "I sometimes ask my vulva – and you don’t have to do that, but it’s surprisingly clear once you’ve practiced! It might quickly say: ‘No, I don’t want to stay with the in-laws for two weeks this summer,’" she laughs. "And then I let that feeling take precedence over wanting to be a nice daughter-in-law. But you could just as easily ask your stomach or your heart. The point is to start listening inward."
LUBRICANT – A PATH TO ENHANCED PLEASURE
What do you think about lubricants and the role they can play in women's pleasure?
"Lubricants, unfortunately, still have a negative reputation for many people. They are often seen as artificial or unnatural, as a tool to make a woman wet before she’s ‘really ready’ for penetration. There’s a rather sad, sex-negative perception of lubricants," says Marika. "If someone uses lubricant in a movie, it’s often portrayed as if the person doesn’t actually want to have sex. This perception of lubricants reflects how society at large views sex."
But Marika wants to challenge this view. "I strongly argue that lubricant is not a tool – it’s a sex toy! Whether you’re naturally ‘dry’ or not. It’s not about solving a problem but about enhancing pleasure and making touch feel better. You can easily test this on other parts of your body. Rubbing oil on your skin makes your fingers glide more smoothly, and suddenly the touch feels more detailed and intense."
She emphasizes that lubricants shouldn’t be seen as something you only use when your body is ‘malfunctioning.’ "There shouldn’t need to be a reason to use lubricant. It’s for everyone, for all types of sex. And if it’s also a nourishing lubricant that hydrates and protects the mucous membranes, that’s just an added bonus. But the foundation is pleasure. Lubricant is an essential part of a pleasurable sex life."
EXPERIENCE VAGIVITAL ACTIVE GLIDE: A MOISTURIZING LUBRICANT DESIGNED FOR WOMEN
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HOW DOES MENOPAUSE AFFECT DESIRE – AND HOW CAN YOU REDISCOVER PLEASURE?
In the next installment, Marika Smith explores how menopause can be a turning point for redefining both desire and intimacy. Discover how you can transform frustration into a force that creates a more personal and satisfying sex life. Marika shares insights about strengthening self-love, listening to your body’s signals, and creating a more pleasurable and fulfilling life – on your own terms. Don’t miss part 2 next week, where you’ll get concrete tips on how to strengthen your relationship with yourself and your body and gain tools to reclaim your desire and pleasure!
WANT TO CONNECT WITH MARIKA?
🍑 At sexinspiration.se, you can read more about courses and personal coaching.
🍑 Follow Marika's account @sexinspiration on Instagram.
🍑 Listen to the podcast Sex for Real (in swedish) – with Marika Smith.
LIMITED TIME OFFER: 20% OFF MARIKA'S ONLINE COURSES
Until June 1st, you’ll automatically get 20% off all of Marika’s inspiring online courses.
This offer applies to an unlimited number of courses! Click here to take advantage of the discount.
No codes are needed – the discount is applied automatically at checkout. 🙌
Take care & Stay Pussytive ❤️
Fanny Falkman Grinndal
Business Manager Nordics
Peptonic Medical AB
fanny.falkman-grinndal@peptonicmedical.se